November 25, 2020
‘Out of the fog’, Roseanne’s domestic abuse story #16Days
Escaping three decades of abuse
Roseanne* found the strength to leave an abusive relationship of 30-years, two years ago with her daughters. When they left their family home and abuser they were declared homeless and spent six months in a women’s hostel. Today, they have been supported to find a home, explore employment opportunities and look at the future more positively.
Trusting again after domestic abuse
Roseanne is passionate about women getting the respect they so deserve. She says Shelley, who supports her at Ruby, has helped her to find herself and to trust again. ‘She is a wonderful person’, says Roseanne. According to her, ‘you have to work through this all yourself. Going to counselling isn’t someone telling you what to do, it’s you finding your own feet.’ ‘Unless you’ve worn the shoes you don’t know. And now I really understand what I have experienced’.
Today Roseanne reads inspirational books to reach clarity in what she has experienced and she finds solace in soul music. Lyrics echo her story and provide her with strength. She’s now determined to motivate other women like her by becoming a motivational speaker. ‘I firmly believe in being happy and having a good sense of humour and never dwelling on negativity or criticism.’
Shelley has supported Roseanne to reconnect with herself and find the tools that work for her emotionally as well as guiding her towards practical support options.
Control in domestic abuse
Roseanne has detached herself emotionally from her now ex-husband but says there are still snippets of anger that she still feels towards him. She is now reading lots of domestic abuse literature to help her process these emotions. She experienced emotional, financial and physical abuse from her partner. She feels that the expression, ‘treading on eggshells’ is exactly what it is to live with an abuser. She was made to feel that everything was her fault and every element of her life was controlled and manipulated. She couldn’t do the simplest thing like go to the shops without this being an issue, her husband questioning her constantly.
Isolation in domestic abuse
She explains how her husband then isolated her from those around her, from those who could spot the sort of character he was. She felt completely isolated. ‘He was only a small statue of a man’, but he demanded respect and overpowered her. He had an interest in firearms and would use this to threaten Roseanne. He would constantly suggest that he was the victim and talk about his suicidal thoughts which confused Roseanne and led her to feel guilty for wanting to leave him.
Psychological abuse
Roseanne describes having so many, ‘lightbulb moments’ during their relationship, where she knew she had to leave but this feeling would pass. She felt there was no escape early on in the relationship. Physical abuse had started before they had even got married but Roseanne explains how it was so much more difficult to get support 30-years ago. She would feel guilty about reporting him because of the psychological abuse and feelings of shame. The final straw was when he threatened to attack his own daughter. Roseanne left with her daughter and they moved into a hostel. ‘My eyes are open now’, she says, ‘I feel like my caring nature was exploited and I couldn’t see what was obvious before’...’You’re so controlled by that person that you don’t see a way out and there is often so much shame around it’.
Mental health and domestic abuse
After leaving her relationship Roseanne moved into a hostel for six months. She didn’t enjoy this experience and was determined to find a place of her own. During this period she spent a lot of time reflecting on what she had experienced and borrowed lots of self-help books from the library that might enlighten her. There she learnt a lot about mindfulness and began to retrain her brand. She says she particularly gained a lot from reading ‘Out of the Fog:Moving from Confusion to Clarity after Narcissistic Abuse’ by Dana Morningstar. She found this helped her to understand why her abuser might have treated her as he did and manage her emotions.
She has got to a point in her life where she feels able to process her experiences. Roseanne says that her mental health has been impacted by the pandemic, that’s why ongoing remote support has been so important to her as well as many others. Her ex-husband has kept attempting to contact her daughters and was still present in their lives for a long time. Growing up in an abusive home has affected them too. Roseanne can’t control this now but she can manage her response to the emotions around it.
Through reading and support from the Ruby team Roseanne now puts herself as, ‘number one’ and knows she needs to be treated with respect. She feels that now is, ‘her time’ and hopes that there can be more role models out there who support women to be strong. Roseanne has experienced people asking her outright, ‘Why didn’t you just leave?’. ‘This is such an arrogant question to ask,’ she says, ‘Until you’ve worn the shoes you can’t pass judgement’. Roseanne is happy to get counselling from people who understand the many layers, who listen and who support her to escape the once, ‘enclosed bubble’ of her life of abuse as she describes it.
‘I am eternally gratefully to Ruby @ Turnaround. Without Ruby I feel many women would be in more severe situations. I feel so sorry that some women become a statistic. Ruby offer me counselling and support, they understand me and Shelley is a wonderful person. She is genuine’.
Roseanne has been given practical advice by the Ruby team on benefits and specialist counselling as well as the opportunity to speak at Ruby events and raise the self-esteem of other survivors. She feels proud to be a part of this. ‘I’m a work in progress. Everything’s good and I need to work on building my boundaries and not being triggered to anger by certain events’, she says. This is one of the things that Roseanne is working on. She aspires to be an advocate for other women experiencing domestic violence and would love to be a speaker in the area.
‘There is no class around this, there are no exceptions. Domestic abuse can affect everyone’, Roseanne quite rightly says.
Living in Merseyside and experiencing domestic abuse? You can contact our Ruby @ Turnaround team on 0800 688 9990. Monday to Friday: 9.00am- 10.00pm and Saturday and Sunday 11.00am – 5.00pm.
#OrangeTheWorld
#16Days
#YouAreNotAlone